Some Catch-Up and a Lucid Dream

So I wanted to take a moment to catch up, write down stuff that happened the past few months.

First I think ill start with a recap of what this blog was originally made for and still is. (since all the new readers) A journal, simply that. You will notice I don't have much of a posting schedule, I hate blogs that do but I suppose that has its purpose. I post when I think I have something worth saying or when something happens to me that I feel is important enough to be posted here, which is usually frequent enough. If you have any questions your welcome to ask, in the comments or to send me a e-mail although I have yet to get through the back-log.

Anyways I just want to say thanks to all the new readers for taking the time to read whatever random crap I happen to post. Maybe we will both learn a thing or two from each other.

Anyways onto the past few months. Not much has happened spiritually as I didn't meditate at all or even contemplate spiritual things. However I did have quite a few lucid dreams, not sure why they have never been frequent before. Lately they have come about once a week. Sadly they have all be rather short so I haven't had much time to really explore the dreamworld as much as I would like. However one lucid dream was both quite long and odd to warrant a post.

It was back on Oct. 31st I won't post it all here it was quite long but I just want to summarize the interesting parts right around when I became lucid. I was in what looked like a showroom for old muscle cars, some were also raised up as if they were being worked on. I was with 4 people, 3 I didn't know one was a old friend. I was in this same room a hour or so earlier in the dream with someone else but it wasn't important.

Anyways when I entered this large room again I immediately became lucid, I thought it was quite odd I came back to this room and I guess thats what triggered me to realize it was a dream. First thing I did was try to leave, there was nothing of interest to me in the room so I turned around and walked right back out the door into a dark hallway with no roof. As soon as I did, I felt the dream start to crumble and lose form, I walked back into the room and everything stabilized.

I again tried to leave and the same thing happened so I walked back in the room and ruled out leaving that way. I figured having a boring lucid dream in here was better than waking up. So I started trying to teleport to a new dream-scape but that didn't work. I couldn't teleport, or do any of the other fun dream activities like walking through a wall.

I decided to look around the room and explore a bit, I asked the people in the dream to look around for anything important, they did. I read random inscriptions on photos and scraps of paper around the room for a while. I'm not sure why, it was like I was looking for a message but never found one. Anyways about 20 minutes had passed I assume and I heard the front door open. We all turned and to a bit of a shock some kind of monster walked in. Ill try to describe this as best I can.

It was about my height, 6'1-2, was humanoid and wearing normal clothes. Only thing off was its face, it was brownish, with alternating shades of light and dark, with bits of what looked like mud or something falling off. No eyes, nose just holes where they should be and no teeth. It stared right at me and I knew something was wrong. It started walking towards me, I was about 15 feet away. I looked around quickly for a weapon, tried again to make a weapon appear, a sword I think but nothing came. It started to sprint towards me and within a second we were fighting.

It kept slamming me into the wall, none of the people with me were helping. It would try to bite at me and I was a bit horrified at this nasty thing. I punched its head a few times and it would just lose form almost like jell-o and then quickly reform again. I was barely holding my own against this thing when I heard the door open again. Standing in the doorway was a less intimidating man, human taller than me but of course it would be too easy if he was a simple human. He had 8 arms... as if that wasn't enough each one seemed to be about 3 feet long.

Of course I was his prime target and he charged right at me. Luckily for me, my friend intercepted him just before he would of started pounding on me. They started to struggle, I focused back on my own monster and was able to break free but as soon as I did the other thing grabbed me and pushed me back with force slamming me into the corner of the room. It had 6 of its 8 arms pinning me, with its other 2 it decided to punch me a few times. All of which hurt like real punches.

My friend ran over and at least stopped the punches and we began to struggle some more. Of course the other thing now joined in and started trying to bite me again... it was disgusting the last thing I wanted was its face to be on mine. I was just pissed by now even though we had only been fighting for about 5 minutes. I usually enjoyed these kind of fights in dreams but not when it was so uneven, or if it was, at least I could retreat any time I wanted.

I started trying to make a weapon appear, a gun, a sword, anything. No luck, I tried to get super-human strength and that didn't work either. Tried to slip through the wall I was pinned against to no avail. So I called on my guardian, I was sure at least He could enter the dream and help? Yelled his name a few times, he never showed up though... I started to wonder if it was a dream at all since I had NO dream abilities.

After another minute of fighting I just gave up. I gave one last punch right in the face of that thing and then yelled "WAKE UP!!!!!!!" and I did, immediately. I was never really scared in the dream because I was certain it was a dream and I could wake myself up. I doubt ill ever get the face of that thing out of my mind though, it was nasty.

Anyways the dream was interesting as you can see, I have never not be able to at least manipulate the dream on a basic level, like form a weapon in my hand. Sometimes the teleporting can be difficult though. I have also never been locked in a area of the dream. My only guess is that maybe one of those monsters wasn't simply a dream entity, perhaps it was a Astral Entity that entered my dream for some fun?

I think thats the only way something could block you from changing your own dream. Nothing like that has happened since, I had a few more lucid dreams but all were really short and nothing interesting to note.

Thats about the only thing note worthy from the past couple months, I have been looking more into Buddhism even though I don't agree with Buddhism 100% the fundamental tenets all seem correct from my experience so I've wanted to look more into it for over a year and finally am.

Anyways I still have a lot of stuff I want to post but will save it for later.

Till next time.

Suffering

Well I'm finally back, I have probably the most import blog post ill ever make here so I suggest my old friends and new readers (my views exploded while I was gone!) really take a moment to read this post.

As you may or may not know about 6 months ago I hit a pit in my life, I became severally depressed which was a huge change to what I am used to. In my life I have never been that depressed or in that much pain. I hope no one ever has to go through that, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know suicide is a taboo topic in society today but id like to discuss it openly. I was the closest to suicide I've ever been or every want to be. At once point, seconds from it and luckily for me 1 friend stopped that from happening.

I only knew him for a few months, we both met right around the time I got depressed and both were going through a lot. We met so randomly I almost can't believe it today. If I never met him id be dead right now... Not only did he save my life and for that I am eternally grateful but he also taught me indirectly the biggest lesson of my life. We will get to that in a bit, id like to explain my past few months a bit better before that.

I abandoned spirituality 5-6 months ago. I openly rejected everything I learned in the past few years and said screw it. I didn't care about it at all, I let my ego take over, and have full control. I rejected everything and lost control. As soon as I did that my depression went from a 1 to a 10 in a matter of days. It stayed at a 10 for months. I woke up with no reason to live, or go on. Thats a sad feeling, to have no desire at all to go on in life. To look at every aspect of life and only see more pain.

I started to look at suicide as a release, a way to get free from all the pain and suffering. I began to become obsessed with it, I craved death I welcomed it but I hung on day by day. Why? Because my friend... I couldn't leave him, he was going through the same amount of pain but it was different for him and I wasn't going to make it worse for him. So I hung on for months, we became extremely close and then about a month ago he got better.

He wasn't depressed any longer, he got over his main problems and was fixing his life. He would talk to me for hours trying to help me, wishing he could lift me out of my depression to. Thats when my ego took over... I started to hate him, I started to hate everyone around me. Every human being... old friends family members everyone. I was bitter, angry, jealous at everyone.

Even the person that was my only reason for still being here. I was filled with so much hatred, anger, and jealousy that I just started to drive a wedge between me and everyone. Those emotions came from my ego, I was tired of life throwing me the short end of the stick... I was mad at anyone that had what I thought of as a better life than me. It all climaxed about 2 weeks ago, I was at my end...

My only reason to survive was not there anymore, no one needed me as I saw it at least not to a major extent. I lashed out at him, others around me nearly destroying every friendship I had and was about to end everything when I had a thought. "You abandoned spirituality and look at you know? Your the worst you have ever been, why not 1 more shot?"

So I decided id try 1 last time for spirituality and after that I was done 100% with life. I went online doing research on various topics eventually I found my way to a Buddhist monk talking about suffering. She repeated something I have been told at least 100 times on my spiritual journey these past few years. "You create your own suffering." It didn't hit me right then but after the lecture ended I shut off my computer and laid in bed still feeling depressed as hell.

I just sat there in bed thinking about those words and then it hit me. It all made sense, I realized 100% what people all around the world have been saying for thousands of years. I started to laugh, I couldn't stop laughing it was hilarious to me that I was the most depressed I had ever been and I created it all.

For the last few months I had created ALL of the depression, I created ALL of the anger, ALL of the jealousy. I created the pit... I willingly went deeper and deeper into my depression nearly killing myself in the process. My friend indirectly taught me the most important lesson I have ever learned in this life. We create our own suffering... Now I always believed that concept to a extent but I never understood what it meant.

By allowing my mind to focus on all those negative things in my life I created more and more depression. I focused on all the painful memories from my childhood because I let myself, I wouldn't let them go. I wouldn't live in the present. For the past 6 months I have just been focused on either the past or the future but never the present.

That night which was a few days ago that I was laying in bed I felt liberated. Literally in a matter of 2 seconds I went from brink of suicide to the happiest moment of my entire life. A joy and happiness I never thought was possible. I smiled for the first time in months. As I laid in bed and thought about more and more of the things I was depressed over I realized I created everyone one of those. I let myself be depressed over them.

I can not stress enough how much you should meditate on that subject, us creating our own suffering. I know me saying it to you is just like everyone else that said it to me but once you realize it 100% and live it you will fell so much better...

Remember a year ago or so you can see in blog posts I know I talked about it before, about how I felt I was going to die in 2010? For 2 years I have felt a immense feeling of death for me in this year. I used to think I would die this year, then I thought it was others around me as this year began. Then 6 months ago when I got extremely depressed I thought it really was my death, my suicide. Now I know it was this, shedding something I have carried around for 18 years.

I feel so much stronger now then I did a year ago. I was at the brink and was able to pull myself back with the help of a friend. I think I faced my greatest fear, I don't think its gone but for now its defeated. I know I still have a long way to go on my path but I know for the moment it is suppressed and I can deal with it as time passes.

As for now I am getting back into spirituality again, which means ill be posting blogs although it will take some time to get back into things. I have a lot of physical things to do now that I didn't before so bare with me. (As well as a huge list of e-mails to reply to)

Anyways congrats if you made it through this post, I hope I didn't ramble I was trying to just speak my mind and not worry about what it came out as. I must go to sleep now its late, ill edit this tomorrow for mistakes.

Its good to be back...

Goodbye Everyone...

I think its time for me to go. I've given up on my spirituality, so I am going to leave this place and focus on my life as best I can. I'm unplugging myself completely from the internet for a while. I might be back in a few months, or pop in here and there but I can't be sure.

I was finally over all the shit I had been going through this past few weeks but then it got even worse. I was ok with my life being shitty, and all the bad things that happened to ME but in the past week ive seen so many friends and family hurt. They don't deserve it, it makes no sense. I couldn't have chosen this life for myself, I wouldn't have made it this bad.

I just can't stand to watch the people around me in so much pain, its a thousand times worse than everything thats happened to me. I wish I could just absorb it all for them, have it all happen to me so they could have better lives but I can't. I tried...

It makes me wonder a lot... Honestly if I could blow this planet up I would, I think this society is just to screwed up. The earth failed in my opinion it would be better if it got to try again. Society is responsible overall for all the wrong and people just don't care.

A friend said he was going to kill himself a few hours ago. I've never seen him that upset, I can't blame him though all he was going through at that moment. It was more than enough to make normal people crack but somehow he held on this long. I hope he doesn't do it, I begged, pleaded, called him repeatedly, tried to contact the police but its to late now.

I'm just hoping hes not dead, because I don't think ill be able to go on if I lose another person right now. Like I said, and I think some of you will understand, its easy to get through yourself being hurt, but having to stand by and watch friends get hurt is way worse. I've had to watch him spiral down for the past few days, trying to tell him everything would be alright. Trying to be there however I could. I know I did the most I could, the rest is up to him. Its his choice, and I hope he chooses to live. Not just for him but for me, he was the only person that ever understood me. That understood all the problems I had faced, the effect they had on me and all that.

Anyways like I said, i'm finished with spirituality, I don't care about it anymore. I don't believe any being would choose to go through all this. I know what I experienced was true, I don't deny my experiences. I just don't think its for me anymore, I just want to live. I want to live out the rest of my life, helping those few that rely on me so much and one day will pass on and move on to my next life. Ill be glad when that happens, because this place is like hell for me.

I'm leaving this blog up, for anyone else on there spiritual journey. I believe its still a good thing, and earth would benefit so much from experiences like mine. I wish you all the best, I truly do. You all helps me so much, each in your own way.

I started this journey back in 07, I was so happy then. The happiest I've ever been in my life. There were about 6 of us who all started at basically the same time. We had a lot in common and would get together and talk for hours sometimes. Sharing experiences, getting opinions, and helping each other through anything bad. Then each one started to drop, soon I was the last one still going strong. I felt bad for them, but there was nothing I could do. Now out of our little "Soul Group" I'm finally giving up as well.

So I wish all my readers and people I knew from various spiritual and energy working communities across the internet good luck on your journeys whatever they may be. Ill never completely stop I guess, at least not energy working but for now im taking a break that may last for years.

I'm only focusing on my writing, completely. Who knows you might see a book by me out soon. Check back from time to time, ill make a post if I ever return.

Peace! (Remember when I used to end my posts with that? Nostalgia!)

Dealing

So I was a mess again last night as I tried to meditate but oddly something was off. I couldn't cry... I was sad but I couldn't even get my eyes to water which was very strange. I tried to connect to my guides... to my higher self but couldn't at all. I just couldn't meditate when I was feeling that down there was no way to focus so I asked for them to meet me in a dream which didn't happen.

I kinda understand why... I mean I already had a pretty big dream explanation of all this crap, I don't think I really need another. (Trying to keep this post focused and not just depressed rambling)

Emotions... I guess this just proves im human. I think this is one of the greatest things we can experience has humans. Emotions that can tug us to such lows or such highs. Two days ago when I was experiencing extreme sadness and happiness at the same time the entire day was insane. It was nothing like "Bittersweet" it was as if feeling two separate emotions at the same time.

Damn its times like these that make me see the bigger picture a bit, I met a friend just 4 weeks ago and hes helped me so much in this little depressed moment. More than any of my friends that I've known for 10+ years have. So I am thankful I met him, were both pretty fucked up and have the most in-common i've ever had with any human being despite living on opposite ends of the earth.

I think we both kinda spiraled into depression last night... Which turned into a pity party at 2am. A bittersweet pity party... I feel so bad for how bad his life was but at the same time happy.. "Finally someone understands!" I was saying repeatedly.

So I'm not burying my life anymore... at all.. I'm just moving on and not hiding it anymore. I wont bury any of this again so ill probably be a bit depressed for a while. I wouldn't read any more of these posts without shielding.

Almost....

I was almost ready to write a positive post... till 5 minutes ago. Since the last post my emotions have been nuts. From a even lower point to a very happy point. I begged my Higher Self for answers and i got them. In the form of a VERY detailed and vivid dream that is to personal to post here. I am THANKFUL for that I tried to talk to the new guide but got no response however I felt the presence which was so peaceful it helped a lot.

I was nearly fine until tonight, but then all hell broke lose for me emotionally and I sunk even lower. It started with a friend pouring there heart out to me... all there troubles so many... but still in my own selfish comparison the whole time I was saying in my head "Your life is great compared to mine stop complaining" Which isnt fair at all to them. But I found myself saying it over and over in my head. Then... I snapped and went off on them,. I guess maybe it was me just wanting to say "EVEN THOUGH I ALWAYS ACT POSITIVE IM CRYING INSIDE!" but it was not the right way to do it. I just lost a friend over that. A good friend... it ended badly theres no apologizing after all we said back and forth.

Im human though... im allowed to snap? Right? Well i think ive done enough good in this world to snap once in a while. Its just I know tomorrow im gonna feel so guilty over it. I already do.

It brought EVERYTHING back up. I think its supposed to happen though, the past few days ive just been SLOWLY burying it.. not dealing with it at all. Going through tiny bits but not doing a thing at all. I mean my mom thinks im happy, she would have NO IDEA this is the most depressed ive been my entire life. As soon as everyone goes to sleep I just break down because I know they can't hear. I went on a bike ride till like 5am the other day.. just in tears the entire time thinking.

I think thats the first step though... At least im not snapping at anyone that doesn't deserve it. Like my ex-friend... I haven't even tried to meditate yet, every time I tried I just couldn't focus. Every-time i laid down my mind would think about the shit and never let me focus. I tried to pull the negativity away but because I am producing it myself it didn't help at all.

I feel so bad for being to this point but in all honestly if I got shot walking down the street tomorrow and died right there... I would be happy because it would mean I dont have to deal with this anymore. Would I kill myself? no... not in a million years, thats not me. not unless everyone that cared about me died, because i refuse to cause anyone else more pain from my death.

My entire life I have tried to be the strong one... Holding my mom when she was crying and acting like I wasnt hurting inside and then as soon as everyone went to sleep crying silently in the corner. I just can't do it anymore but at the same time I don't wanna break down in front of everyone. I guess this entire time I've been wishing someone would hold me....

You know... a writer friend once told me... writers have such a bad life so they can write better. It pisses me off so much if thats why I'm going through all this. I mean all the shit thats happened to me comes through in my writing, it usually has a dark undertone but not depressing. I see exactly what he means when he says that, i can connect to my characters and make the reader sad. But ive never had a happy ending in my life, so I can never seem to write one into my stories. It always ends bad usually. Writing is a kind of release for me I guess, i get to tell people my story through my writing and they never even know.

I keep flashing back though, to those nights when I was 8-14 just in so much pain that no one knew about. Just sorrow WISHING, BEGGING it all just to end. I was hoping and praying to god to just end it all. (I still was christian then somewhat) I hated "God" for all of the shit that happened to me. I thought it wasn't fair and would just cuss "God" out for hours somethings. It helped... having someone to blame for it all. Now I know the only one I have to blame is myself, i chose this for myself.

I don't know why I chose this... My past life seemed so happy compared to this but I did. I put myself through all this for a reason. At the moment my life seems over and decided for me in all honesty. I don't see a way out, i feel like I have lived my life and in a few short months when my mom dies the rest of me and my freedom will die with her.

That scares the hell out of me to be honest... I would love for her to be alive for just a few more years. I guess im just jealous of some of my friends, including my best friend... He has a perfect life and look at mine? I've always envied what he had. Even though I never told him that and he never understood but I did secretly. I guess wishing I was him.

But my life was basically decided before I was born and now I have to deal with all the crap that for some reason was put on my plate. I am not burying this anymore.. in fact after I hit publish im going to ride my bike... for hours even though its 12am. Ill ride it until I can come home and sleep without breaking down in tears like I have the past few nights.